watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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