I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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