Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Randomize
