We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
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