Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
