i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
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