Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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