I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Randomize
