i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
