Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
did i just pee glitter
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
