I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
