i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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