I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Randomize
