i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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