In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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