You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
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