you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Randomize
