Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
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