i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
