Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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