A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
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