Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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