we have pet lesbian snakes
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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