I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
