what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
