So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize