I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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