The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
