You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
