so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
