I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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