When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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