im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
