So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Let's get the cat blown out
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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