I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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