it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
