You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize