The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
