Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
