You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Randomize
