Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
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