I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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