She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Randomize
