I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
