Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Randomize
