turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
