dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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