On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
