good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
