i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Randomize
