nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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