I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
