i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
