My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
