my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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