weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
