How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Randomize
