Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
