Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
