I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
