she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
