i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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