Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
