hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
