She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
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