You made me cry and you don't even care
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
